How do female artists portray themselves in their music videos?
Level 3-
WWW: There are some excellent points in here, some detailed examples and potential top essay, however ..
EBI: Written English / essay structure needs a lot of work. You often fail to provide a topic sentence and therefore loose focus on the question. The are also too many long, clumsy sentences.
Be very careful how you research - the Wikipedia plagiarism on the front page needs to be changed.
The argument as a whole is quite confusing suggesting "24% of women are breadwinners" doesn't really prove equality and then at the end you say nothing has changed since the 80's clearly thinking is required.
In my text draft I'm aiming for a solid level 4, which would be a B/A.
- Change all the long clumsy sentences.
- Add more to my bibliography.
- Change the statistic "24% of women ..."
- Make my argument clearer, keep on one side of my argument but show a few examples of the other side.
- Start every paragraph with a topic sentence.
Wish List ..
- I want to look at a few books that Judith Butler wrote on feminism, if possible something linking to the music industry.
- I want to look at the book The End of Men, Hannah Rosin.
- I want to look at Madonna in the early 90s and 80s and her controversy in music videos.
- Anything on beyonce would be amazing.
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